Peer Response Entry 2 (Week 4)

This is in response to Daniel's Free Verse Entry 1 Week 4

"Spread out under the sycamore, feeling droplets
Samba on my chest,
Drenching the sheepskin covering me. I find
Clouds are playing with the sky. Geese playing
hide & seek in Geometric
formations, skirting above the tailwinds.
I'm shivering in the midst of the torrent we're both
facing, running towards a new land. One without
regeneration. Bathing the reincarnated wishes
of long lost.
The ground is mushy, licking
fibers holding me together.
Holding me arms' length away from drowning. Rising
from the war between Zeus and
Faunus, I sense the daydreamer
staring. I snatch his dream
deferred and sowed some for safeguarding.
Going back to which calls me."


First I want to start off by saying that I really like the specificity in the piece. Especially the "samba on my chest" and "rising from the war between Zeus and Faunus." The last one was so specific, I had to Google Faunus just to figure out who that was. Turns out he was the Roman god of the forest. I also think you picked great verbs: "samba," "bathing," "snatch," "sowed," "skirting"... but there were those two instances of the verb "played." I remember in class that Professor Davidson found it difficult to write with the verb "played." So maybe in the line "I find clouds are playing with the sky," you could change "are playing" to "flitting," because as I read that line, it seems as though they move quickly across the sky, kind of like when a hummingbird flits through the air. But I really like the next line: "Geese playing hide & seek in Geometric formations..." I think you could get by with the "played" here.
This is all in all, a really good piece.