For my free entry this week, I wanted to go back to the day when Professor Davidson asked us about what made us us. He specifically told me to write about swimming. After trying to come up with a way to write about it, this is what I came up with (its a little long, so I apologize in advance.):
The Fish
“Event 4,
Heat 1.”
The loudspeaker blares
with the words of my turn.
The bubbles,
originally in the pool,
have now risen
from the base of my belly
to the tip of my esophagus.
Drowning out the ability
to move forward.
Step up.
The cement block wobbles
under the fear in my feet.
I’m on the side of a pirate ship
walking the plank
to the calm sea below.
Quiet noise blares in my ears.
Glancing across the seven lanes
I see my mother
nervous grinning plastered on her face.
Focus.
Searching the water
I find the perfect place
to land my ship.
Not too close,
not too far.
Unclench your toes.
Medley starts
first swimmer, second,
Brooke, third, comes skating across the pool
the gap between me and her closing.
Now.
My turn.
Her fingers grace the edge,
I’m off like a firecracker.
Leaping into the air,
poised with the precision
of a ballerina.
Gliding under the water
with the streamline of a Kingfisher.
My feet greet like old friends
before I can think.
Kick.
Feet together.
Up
Down
Up
Cutting through the water
my torso stretching,
the racing suit tearing
slightly with the pressure.
Shoulders greeting the air above
with the butterfly that becomes my arms.
Fingertips graze the lane-lines
reminding me to stay in the lane.
I notice nothing but the touch-pad,
the black X underwater
on the wall 25 meters away.
Latex swim-cap digging at my ears,
goggles fogging with the heat of
the water oozing through the cracks near the eyes.
Faster.
Nothing fazes the Jesus lizard
skimming the chlorine saturated water.
It is only when I smack into the wall
and break the surface-
greeted by the cheers
of teammates,
coaches,
parents,
friends-
that I realize we won
and I forgot to breathe.
I just HAD to comment on this! This piece has everything we have been talking about in class. You broke down all the littlest of details to be found in a swim meet and made it personal and exciting. I liked reading this for many reasons, but one of them was that I felt like as a normal outsider, I got a peak inside this swim world. What it feels like to compete, to have those nervous mothers in the stands that "love you no matter what," or just "want you to have fun" but secretely and lovingly want you to win. I have no idea how many times you have written/rewritten this piece but it defiitely showcases your effort! Some of my favorite lines "The loudspeaker blares with the words of my turn." The whole part about the bubbles, "Gliding under the water/withthe streamline of a Kingfisher./My feet greet like old friends/before I can think."
ReplyDeleteThere were only two things that made me think twice - in the 3rd stanza you write "Searchign the water/I find the perfect place/to land my ship." This part kinds threw me off because you were already on the plank of the ship, about to jump off - not steering it. Maybe I am taking your metaphors too seriously, but it just threw me for a sec.
The other part was at the end of that same stanza when you say "The gap between me and her closing." The gap between her and I? she and I? Me and her doesnt sound right.
Other than that, again, I want to say that I think this is really an awesome poem. Oh...one more thing. I alos liked how you opened each stanza with one word that moves along the sequence of the poem. I think it was very well done.
Thanks for posting!!
My second peer response for the week is Taylor’s Free Entry titled, “The Fish.” I really loved this! You added great detailed and you put me into the scene! I love how you said, “The cement block wobbles under the fear in my feet.” It wasn’t your feet that wobbled but the cement you were standing on at the swim meet. That was an interesting way to put that. You added blunt words at the beginning of your stanzas too like “Focus,” “Now,” “Step Up,” etc. It kept the reader paying attention. You did such a great job with this! I do believe this is what we have been talking about in class about showing, but not too much. :)
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