For my imitation piece, I wanted to take the idea that Professor Davidson told us to write about (a time when your parent or a family member embarrassed you) and imitate Komunyakaa's piece "My Father's Love Letters." But specifically, I focused on the non metrical idea and then the enjambment and line breaks. I also wanted to use showing not telling, specificity and think small. I feel like its missing something, so if anyone would care to help....Thanks!
My Mother’s Birthday Present
On Wednesday she waited for me to come home
and asked about my day,
laughing suspiciously at the story
I told of my friend
who begged me to read
his paper but changed his mind.
She laughed
even though it wasn’t funny
and that was that. In the back
of my mind,
something irked.
Thursday I walked the hallway,
every square inch swarmed
with feet and flailing
arms. The balloons
bigger than Pluto,
the bags of Subway and treats,
exploded through the doors.
Looking up with sheer anguish
and guilt spread across her face,
I could only imagine
the look on mine.
“Mom?!
What are you doing here?”
The only words I could choke
out as she begins to sing
“Happy Birthday,”
off key and nervous,
in the middle of the zoo of a high school.
Running off, hiding in the solitude of the hallway,
sweating the embarrassment, taking it out on the locker door,
I began to regret.
Searching for her, I knew,
that she only wanted to surprise her oldest daughter
on her 16th birthday,
redeemed by that unending,
unembarrassed love.
This is a very good improv. However I feel as if some lines need clarification. Lines 5 and 6 are oddly worded to me. I believe I have grasp of what you meant but maybe you could go back and reword it a little. Also I really enjoyed the specificity of Subway. It reminds me of the parents who used to do the same thing at my school. “Every square inch swarmed with feet and flailing arms” I love that line, it’s a much better way of saying it was crowded.
ReplyDeleteThank you Drika for catching lines five and six. I must have missed the wording when I edited it...oops.
DeleteYou tell this story well. I feel like the line "laughing suspiciously at the story" becomes redundant because you say that "She laughed/even though it wasn't funny." You could also be more specific about the friend who asked you to read the paper, with maybe a personality trait or something about his appearance. The same for the treats mentioned after the Subway bags, but I like the Subway bags themselves. There's also some room for description on the lines "looking up with sheer anguish/and guilt spread across her face." After "the only words I could choke" I can totally picture it. Good job.
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