Response to Blog Week Three

This is in response to Gabby's post here.

Original Post:

Yes or no,
take my hand or let me go.
Careless grasps and empty
words have made me feel like i'm
the only one who's hurt.
I'm sorry.
Blame me and we can move on.
"It's not you it's me" is what I've heard for so long.
But it's not.
You were the one who cheated,
or have you forgot?
Pulling me this way and that,
feeling the venom of your love
paralyze me while i gasp for a breath
when my chest is caving, sinking.
I love you.
That's what you told me
but how can that be so when
i'm holding on for dear life and your
barely even touching,
me that is.
So don't throw shade into my face
and give me a fake embrace.
"It's not you it's me".
"It's not you it's me"
But you're wrong, because it is me.
I gave you something desperately,
and yet you couldn't see how strong I clung.
I held on to you like nothing else had meaning except to see
you smile like the sun.
I gave my soul to someone who had conditional love.
I was the fool, not you.
I am a queen and I deserve to be cherished
and put first,
Not thrown in the alley like scraps that cats
can scratch and match their trash with.
Never again can you turn this sunlight blue.
So let me tell you something baby,
I don't deserve you.

My Response:

Gabby,
This piece is extremely intriguing because it’s got a clear sense of narrative. It’s very telling, in a good way: in the way that allows the reader access into this personal experience. Now, however, it is time to think about inserting images for the narrative. One place I can see a cool image occurring: “I’m holding on for dear life and you’re/ barely even touching.” What happens if this turns into some image of animals or an instance you’ve seen outside in Italy? Think about what kinds of images might punch harder than narrative. I’m really interested in the “don’t throw shade into my face/and give me a fake embrace.” Is shade the literal shade from a tree? That’s a really cool image that I think might be expanded upon…you could play with the idea of being in the shade of mountains or something like that. Also, I love the images that you pull at the end: “not thrown in the alley like scraps that cats/can scratch and match their trash with./ Never again can you turn this sunlight blue.” I think the most intriguing part of that image is turning sunlight blue. I have no idea what that means, but I love it. So, basically what I’m saying is: allow yourself more of the opportunities to be surprising. Allow your narrative to dive off a cliff and do something super crazy. I’m working on that myself…I like control and little wrapped up packages of poems and I’m working on surprising myself and the reader. You do it with your images. So bring more images in and let them talk as well.