This is in response to Trevor's Junkyard 1 from this week.
Trev,
This is a really cool piece because it offers a lot in terms of content. Not to sound like I know everything about poetry, but I think you could benefit from cutting some stuff. Like the three or four lines around the precipice part...sounds a wee bit poesy. There are a couple other moments when you use some extreme abstractions, like the last stanza, where there's Italian history and time and dancing ancient...I know you were trying to do the 80/20 thing, but I think it falls a little short of unexpected usage. I have a version (like the first piece) where I did some cutting that might be sort of unexpected, if you want to take a look.
As much as I critiqued in that first part, I truly love many moments: the part of the "Dante’s four-leafed clover plucked/ and chewed in a field of bitter words;"sticks out right now, as does "slowly erasing the mortar." And I admire the specificity like Pope Urbano and Marlboro Gold, but you might be able to get away with just Marlboro in that case.
I truly look forward to reading your posts because they always offer so much in content and imagery and specificity. You've got the nuts and bolts, you just gotta fine tune some stuff...which errybody can help with!
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