Critical Commentary Post One Week Eight

This is a critical commentary of Kelsey's "Improv 1 Week 8."

Rework of an earlier improv.
Jason Voorhees
The covers muffle as I stretch and my hands run across
sheets, finding bare bed.
The sheets are torn again.
My feet slap hardwood towards the kitchen, past your prized
machete on a plaque, nicked with use,
through a haze of cinnamon into the cracked
sound of bread falling into egg.
You’re making French toast for me.
I think back to our first date: your clobbered face so out of place
at Waffle House, its stark yellow against your muddied jumper.
You ordered French toast for me.
How was I supposed to say no to your eager smile?
Those same hands that fiddled at the front door, whisk eggs
each time you leave, but you only satisfy my hunger when you come back,
fierce and starved for me. Every woman wants a man who can take her in his arms
and snap her like a teenager. And you will snap, and break, and hurt
those campers who return every year to interrupt your arched back,
exposed spine on the sheets. The topless girls you stampede
through the woods for every year aren’t me.
Babe, if you didn’t kill them, I would.

And this is what I said:

Dude. This is so long! For you that is...and I LOVE how this flips the Jason character on his head. I really like how he's got some sort of redeeming side to him, like Ai's "Respect, 1967." I've always wondered what Jason would be like outside of the serial killer thing. Also, I find it interesting how the speaker is the jealous girlfriend. It makes me wonder how these two met. Was she one of the campers? The other thing about this piece is the repeating word choice. The word "sheets" appears three times in this piece, twice in lines right next to each other. I'm not sure if that is what you are going for, but that might be something to look at. The other thing that I found interesting is the line "You're making French Toast for me" and the line "You ordered French Toast for me." These lines are interesting because the syntax is so similar that it stands out and makes me feel like there is so much importance on these two lines. Then I'm wondering about the importance of French Toast and why Jason is making French Toast and not waffles. So, that might be something to look at because I'm not sure if there is enough information around the French Toast to be such an important player in the piece.