Critical Commentary Post One Week Two

For my critical commentary, I took an improv off of Andrew's blog. The original post was this:

1. Severnaya Zemlya, Laptev Sea
2. Port-au-Prince, Haiti

[C1{Lena with a tip tongues her tartar,

[C1}eyes algid along an urodid's cacoon,

[C2{Charlot cutting a net of clams feels

[C2}a psyburn, shoulders bake hush in sun. 

[C1{alike a plastic lattice for clementines,

[C1}molded for a ripe jalapeno. 

[C2{She's an ant neath a leaf when rain hits,

[C2}and a gear whenever reeling winch,

[C1{snips stem and winding up the silk strand,

[C1}as one would a hose scaled for spiders. 

[C2{"Will the rain freeze on the dry airs

[C2}sandy as some cat's tongue?" "Probably,"

[C1{she said, letter to the pal afore her pen.

[C1}"We would be the first on Pioneer

[C2{to see these beads of gelid hails. I'll 

[C2}be waiting with a bottle of port when

[C1{your boat comes in." And she signed her name

[C1}in orange gel quilled from metal, tastebud to

[C2{second bicuspid, licking the nacre left

[C2}when the last of a shellfish was cleansed of flesh.

This is what I posted:

This is a really interesting idea you have going on. I'm not exactly sure what the C1 and C2's are for, but I think you have some interesting language going on, especially the "when the last of a shellfish was cleansed of flesh," and then "alike a plastic lattice for clementines/molded for a ripe jalapeno." These, especially the last one, are very ramped on language. But that isn't all we are looking for in the class, and that being said, I think that there are moments when the language almost gets confusing. For me, that moment is in the beginning, when there are words like "psyburn," and "algid" being thrown around. I think sometimes, when the piece is set in a place like Haiti, there are going to be aspects to the piece (in regards to content) that are unknown to most of the readers, and that is where the focus needs to lie: clearly explaining what is happening. My suggestion would be to strip away the form for now, try to clearly (and simply) explicate what is occurring; from what I'm reading, it's a couple of girls fishing and talking about something having to do with ports and the weather. I think one of them is writing a letter and eating shellfish. What I'm not sold on is the point. What is the tension in the piece? What raises the stakes? I think the idea of form is to show a way of saying something that couldn't be said before, and I think you've got some interesting things trying to fight their way out: the setting of Haiti for one, or the idea of clementines molded for a ripe jalapeno, but if you strip out the form, then there isn't a rhyme scheme that has to be futzed with or a stressed or unstressed count to be monitored. Its just the writer, telling the story and trying to explain "so what." My suggestion, focus on Haiti. Flesh it out: why are these girls fishing? Why aren't there any men with them? Why is one signing her name and talking about rain and cats? These might be just basic ideas that we've learned before, but they will continue to be the basics...they will transfer over when you re-apply form and might even create more ideas than first seen.