Critical Commentary Post One Week Three

This is a critical commentary to the post from Daniel's journal: Improv Post 2 Week 3.

The original post: 

"More practice with trochees, each line is its own thing. No cohesion between the five. Just alternating with the meter to see the different types of possible flows.
1. Sets of footpads milking through the snow in splotches. 2. Curly tones reach slowly through the maw
    of smoke. 3. Catch twenty-twos kicking shivers
    down spines of audience members hoping
    snares just saxophone old soulchild
    music imbedded spit. Skillfully spent. 4. Split the word against the spleen, crack your chest" 

This is what I said:


These are very interesting lines in themselves. I think you've really gotten the hang of the trochees, except for the third one-it scans a little different than the rest to me, but I could be scanning incorrectly: I couldn't hear the third syllable in theater. It draws the reader to the substitution, and if all of these lines were within the same piece (which I think would be a really interesting next step), what makes this one important? I love the substitution in number four: to me, it emphases the visceral imagery, the germanic language of "split" and "spleen" and "crack." Then the reader has to wonder, what is the importance of this line? What is the word that is splitting against the spleen and chest? Why does it mean so much to the speaker? 
I think that if all these lines were put together, there would be a very interesting combination of thoughts and images: this would allow a lot of leeway with the actual content of the piece, there would be different combinations and directions this piece could take. But I really like what you have done with the form, you seem to be getting the hang of it and trying new substitutions show that there is thought put into the lines. What I like to do when improving and practicing the form is to take some poem that is from the anthology and just use the form of the piece. That means all of the form. Most of them are in iambic pentameter, but I think it would be interesting if you took a stanza form and created your own combination of the form. Since the stanza is just a pattern of some kind of form, it's interesting to see what you could come up with, and judging by substitutions that other poets use, some very cool products can result.