Response to Ryan Silver's Junkyard 1 Week 3

This is a response to Ryan Silver's Week 3 Junkyard 1.


I love the very beginning of this: "Lilies and roses cover the death smell,
mixing with the pounds of beige makeup and formaldehyde seeping up the staircase that leads down to the cold metal gurney where Betsy lay four hours ago.
Danny inched forward, bumping blacks slacks, spinning into a purse- a fat old woman caressing him behind the ear and speaking with his mother like Danny was a new doll" because it's supremely descriptive while not being explanatory. I especially admire the "bumping black slacks, spinning into a purse" because of the sounds these words together make. There's a technical word for this, but I'm not good at remembering technicalities. I think is assonance or alliteration or something like that.
But anyway, from this point to the bottom, the piece shifts into more of an explanation of what is happening, what Danny is feeling, and I feel that to be something of a missed opportunity.

My first thought for the next draft would be to beware of "because." There’s this whole chapter in Writing Poetry that I can go into about how dangerous the word is, use it sparingly, blah blah. Sometimes it can be used well, but for the most part, the word explains too much. It makes the piece lose the illusion. Showing the puppet strings, you could say.
What about: “like Danny was a boisterous doll, anxious and shiny. Receiving friends now was the peak of the old heifer’s social life—Betsy (include here something she did instead) for the last decade. But Danny, who didn't care about anything else, only knew there was something in her bulging eyes and painted smile and that wide brim, too black for her pale face, that he hated more pure than an infant. ”
Or something like that. The "more pure than an infant" might be edging into cliche territory.
You’re still getting at the fact that Danny has no idea how to act at this funeral, or that Betsy did nothing with her friends, or that Danny hates her so much without realizing why, but you’re avoiding the dreaded “because.”
I love this scene so much, though, because funerals suck as a kid. You never know anyone and you have to be quiet while everyone else talks, so I appreciate the fact that this isn't from a first person narrative, but rather a third, allowing the reader and the narrator to be above the action, making emotion seem further from the piece.

However, for a further draft, I’d love to know the history between Betsy and Danny. Is she his grandmother? Aunt? Mother’s cousin’s step-sister? Not even related to him in any way? There's a sense of context that I think is missing here, and I'm supremely curious.
And finally, why does the lunch line come in? It’s not necessarily an erroneous detail, because it gives us a way to assess the age of Danny's character, but is it a pertinent detail? What do we lose if Danny starts tapping feet or some other kind of fidgeting? Or starts watching someone else in the crowd? Either that, or utilize the lunch line to get off the topic of the funeral...which might be even more interesting...
Just some thoughts.