Translation Problem Week Five

Morte del cinghiale

Era un cinghiale, la macchia nera sui sassi,
brulicante, cinghiale
prima di giungere qui, sul sentiero di roccia
e castagne, forse appunto attirato
dalle dolci castagne, dal sole
che filtra e s'incendia, e trafitto
dal sole, dal tempo, e ben altro: difficile
dire palottola, meglio la peste
suina, o uno squarcio segreto, subdolo
che lavora sotto la corsa e il grugnito, sotto l'ansia
di corsa e grugnito, da fame
e di piaceere che lo spinge la notte per foreste
e dirupi, e intanto un sordo
tradimento cresce piano,
in silenzio, nel frusciare
di rovi e cespugli divelti,
di muschi sconvolti
come da frana
o vita che si spezza, magro bosco
perduto ed ora esausto, il punto estremo
dove un nervo s'inalbera, un muscolo
arresta e s'impenna, e anche il sangue si gela: qui, dunque,
la fine, il caro verbo deponente
di vespe e castagne autunnali, funghetti e ruscelli
che appena piu oltre gorgheggiano, merlo e ghiandaie.
Neppure carogna, ormai, ma un teatrino di pelle
smangiata che s'incrosta nel terriccio, una tradotta
allegra di vermi bianchi e di formiche,
un banchetto concluso. La pelle,
le setole scure, le zanne, e poi niente.

Version close to the group                 Version I did by myself later

Death of the Wild Boar

Death of the Wild Boar

It was a wild boar, a black spot on stones, swarming, wild boar, before arriving here, on the path of rock and chestnuts, perhaps attracted just  to the note of sweet chestnut, to the sun that sparks and bursts in flames, and pierced by the sun, by time, and much more: difficult to say if it was a bullet, better the porcine plague,  or one secret gash, sly  under the flow and grunt,  under the anxiety of the flow and grunt, the hunger and the pleasure that pushes him toward the night forests and crags, and meanwhile a dull betrayal grows slowly, in silence, in rustling brambles and uprooted bushes, upset moss like a landslide or life that breaks apart, thin forest  lost and now exhausted, the extreme point where a nerve shoots up, a muscle arrests and rises up, and also blood freezes: here, then the end, the dear deponent verb of wasps and autumnal chestnuts, little mushrooms and streams that scarcely warbles over them, blackbird and bluejay. Either carrion, or almost, but a little theater of skin eats away what encrusts in the soil, a military train alive of bright white maggots and ants, a conclusive banquet. The skin, dark bristles, tusks, and then nothing.

It was a wild boar, a black spot on stones, swarming, the wild boar before arriving here, on the path of rock and chestnuts, maybe attracted just to the note of sweet chestnuts, to the sun that sparks and ignites flames, and pierced by the sun, by time, and much more: it’s difficult  to say if it was a bullet, better than the swine fever, or one secret tear, sneakily working under the flow and grunt, under the panic of the flow and grunt, from hunger and pleasure, pushing him through the night’s forests and crags, meanwhile a deaf betrayal grows slowly, in the silence, in the rustling brambles and uprooted bushes, in devastated moss like a landslide or broken life, in the lean forest, lost and now exhausted, the extreme point where a nerve inflames, a muscle seizes and spazzes, and blood freezes: here, then, the end, familiar verbo deponente of wasps and autumnal chestnuts, little mushrooms and streams that slightly warble over them, blackbird and bluejay. Not even carrion, nearly, but a little skin theater gnaws away what corrupts the soil, a military train  alive of bright maggots and ants, an ultimate banquet of skin, dark bristles, tusks, and then nothing.

    The hardest part to translate, for me, was the line “da fame/e di piacere che lo spinge la notte per foreste” which literally translated to: from/the hunger and the pleasure that he/she/it pushes the night into/from/toward/through forest. The reason this was so difficult was one, I had to either decide to gender the wild boar, and two, I had to figure out the structure of the second half of the line. I imagined it to mean that hunger and pleasure pushed the boar through the night’s forest, the darkness, so that’s why I shifted it a little bit.
    The other part of the piece that really confused and challenged me, was with “il punto estremo/ dobe un nerve s’inalbera, un muscolo/ arrests e s’impenna, e anche il sangue si gela” which literally translates to: the point extreme where a nerve shoots up, a muscle arrests and fletches and also the blood freezes. The word “fletches” confused me after the native speaker had to Google Translate it. I figured it to mean something like “rises up,” which is what the dictionary said it to mean. The other problem I ran into was the idea of sounding like a translation. It’s pretty obvious to me that “shoots up,” “arrests and rises up,” and “also blood freezes” sound like a translation. The question I dealt with was figuring out what a better, more English-y way of saying these things would be. I guess one might say that I was trying to bring the reader to the poet, or trying to bring the poem into colloquially, and I am, but because it sounds more normal that way.
    So I ended up thinking about exercise and the way one strains their body to the ultimate point of exhaustion: what would that be called? I couldn’t come up with the word, so I settled for the “extreme point” and moved on. The “nerve shoots up” part would never be said anywhere, so I tried to think about what that actually meant. Coming up with “inflames” was my way of making “shoots up” more direct because shooting up with pain was most likely inflaming.
    Then comes the part about “arrests and rises up” having to do with muscles. Arrests was pretty easy to think about, because when one is arrested, they are stopped or seized, held. From there, rises up was somewhere along the lines of inflamed, but more physical. So when I think about rising up, I think about losing control, and that means a muscle spasm. So “rises up” shifted to “spazzes.” This way there is also a little bit of alliteration with “seizes and spazzes.”
    The final part of that catalog, the part about blood, was only funky sounding because of the “and also.” So, in order to make it smoother to the ear, I took out “also” because “and” inherently means “also.”
    There were a couple of little words that I switched around, like the original “l’ansia” which transliterated into “anxiety,” but I changed it to “panic” because it made a more visceral sound, and I cannot imagine a wild boar being anxious. Panicked, yes. I also cut “vita che si spezza” (life that breaks) to “broken life” in order to allow the piece to move quicker and I didn’t think that from a meaning standpoint or poetry standpoint the piece lost anything by those cuts. I also changed “di muschi sconvolti” (of moss upset) to “of devastated moss” because the “landslide” that comes after makes “upset” seem so much more intense. Which is also why I changed “s’incrosta nel terriccio, una tradotta” (incrusts in the soil, a military train) to “corrupts the soil, a military train.” The corruption kept with the militaristic feel of the rest of that line.
    These were the biggest changes that I made to smooth out the piece. I made some small flip flops in modifiers, since in English modifiers come (mostly) before the noun.