This is taken from Deep Travel's piece "Egyptian Mummy in the Etruscan Museum at Cortona" by Charles Wright.
Doves release themselves from the post by Francis' statue
in the Basilica in Assisi, unlatch this landscape, the thornless roses
and spikes prevent perching, till feathers shrink to a glow.
I stand in awe of this halo, this aura of what we can't grasp.
Francis seems to smirk at me from Giotto's rendition,
all lapus lazuli and perfection,
telling me in a Mona Lisa smile of everything bad in my life
I tucked away under the good. You'll never be this way,
never be someone for whom shrines are built,
someone clothed unwillingly
in gold. My heart pulsates in my chest as I reach
for Sydney's eyes, her gaze a pale messenger
from the wordless world:
a worthless Basilica for a priceless connection.
I like what you're doing with the verbs here, just in the first sentence alone: release, unlatch, shrink. “Prevent” doesn't seem to do as much as the other verbs but it still keeps from being too flat, too predictable. Perhaps something punchier, something more exact?
ReplyDeleteI think some good ol' fashioned enjambment might do this draft some justice as well. For example: "I stand in awe of this halo" is such a great line and could probably stand on its own, but the line that follows it is something too abstract. Tie it to something physical--halo of what? Giotto frescoes? Imagine this:
I stand in awe of this halo
of Giotto frescoes, seeking and blue
Perhaps not that, but at least it illustrates what I mean about the lines.
After that, it gets a little muddle. Who is telling you of everything bad in your life? Francis? So much has happened in between that line that I have to read back to understand what I am being told. "Everything bad in my life" sounds tired, cliche and abstract. Be specific if you can or else just take the line out altogether.
Who is the "you?" I like this idea of being built and I think it could be the draft's center. As a sidenote, Sydney is introduced a little too late and pretending to be a reader who doesn’t know Sydney, I would be so confused by her sudden and specific appearance consider she pretty much brings you the ending.